I’m not a guy that usually writes about boobs. I’ve never tried to write an American Pie type story. I have a view point here, but this article still has to be called “boobs”. Let me explain. 

Boobs are great. When I was a kid they provided me food and drink. How many things can do that? Some guys call themselves… “boob guys”…. “ass guys”… “feet guys”…..Me? I just like women. The first time I ever saw a naked lady was when I was 8-years-old, and my brother showed me Revenge of the Nerds. It changed my life. 

Living in Los Angeles, working, and having friends in the entertainment industry, I get to see some interesting stuff. I love sitting at home, watching TV or movies, and all of a sudden someone I know comes on the screen. It helps me remember how cool and weird this job is. Being a kid and seeing someone on the tube was awesome. And the thought of seeing them in real life, let alone becoming friends with them, was insane. 

Just the other night, I was watching HBO’s new show True Blood. I’m not into vampires, but I do love HBO, and new shows. As I was watching it, I notice one of my good friends Lizzy Caplan  (Cloverfield, The Class, Mean Girls) in the show. My first thought was, “Man, I haven’t seen her in awhile, I should give her a call.” My second thought was, “Oh, she’s naked, and oh that’s what her boobs look like.” Not to get to personal, but I’d never seen her boobs before. My next thought was, “What do I say to her next time I see her? Will I look at her boobs, and think..’I’ve seen them on HBO?’” I decided to not figure it out in real life, I decided to do it the 2008 way– over Instant Message. So here is my interview slash conversation with the beautiful and amazing Lizzy Caplan. 

DEREK what do you say to someone who was on TV and saw their boobs? 

what’s the weirdest thing people have said to you? 

LIZZY people have been funny 

DEREK  i wanna hear. 

LIZZY my roommates and i watched it together the first time 

they tried to talk about the acting…then just started saying nonsense about the boobs. 

DEREK well, I’m just gonna say, I thought you were great 

LIZZY well thanks buddy brain. Do you dig the show? 

DEREK not really, but I don’t like Vampire shit. 

LIZZY i kinda do. But it’s not for everybody. yeah i love vampire shit. 

DEREK no, just your boobs 

LIZZY ha. yeah i know it makes everybody uncomfy 

DEREK it was like “Signed Sealed and Delivered” but, naked (reference to a short film we made, that you should check it out on the internet ) 

LIZZY haaaa. 

DEREK is it weird that I’ve seen your boobs to you? 

LIZZY Yes. I’m only weirded out that you and my dad have seen my boobs…everybody else is no problem 

DEREK hahah 

LIZZY but my dad hasn’t actually seen them, so it’s down to just you 

DEREK how did you tell him about it? 

LIZZY I told him about it when I got the part. He’s a supportive fella, so he didn’t freak out or anything. But we decided early on he wouldn’t be watching. 

DEREK Did you ever get offered to show your boobies before, and you didn’t do it, cause you didn’t like the show, movie, or comic strip? 

LIZZY yes sir. I have been asked before but it always seemed gratuitous. one time i just didn’t trust the director to shoot around it as promised…so I wore these pasties…and then when I saw the film (which was in a full theater) there’s totally side boob action but I have pasties on so it’s like some disturbing, nipple less, alien body part. 

DEREK do you still talk to Spielberg? 

LIZZY ha. yes 3 times a day. 

DEREK I wanna know about the first time it aired. Who called u first? 

LIZZY that’s a good question. I don’t remember. i believe a male friend. 

DEREK fair enough…and what did they say? You talked to them before about it? 

LIZZY yes i talked to everybody beforehand 

DEREK not me! 

LIZZY really? 

DEREK I didn’t know 

LIZZY oh yeesh. I talked to ALMOST everybody so it wouldn’t be a shocker 

DEREK I was gonna text you…TRUE BOOBS. 

LIZZY you should have…i have talked enough about my boobs in the last few weeks to last a lifetime. And that would have been one of the less potentially offensive comments 

DEREK what made you want to show ur boobies for True Blood? 

LIZZY I’ve never been opposed to doing it, if the right job came along. the scene with the swimming in the trees and then cutting back to the gross, dirty basement was the only one described to me before signing on…and it sounded twisted and rad. plus Alan ball knows how to make the ladies look lovely. 

DEREK You’re an amazing actress, and I love everything you do!  I just didn’t expect to see your boobs..deal with it 

LIZZY im trying. but then somebody is going to send me this interview and im going to kick myself for ranting about my GODDDDDAMNNNNN BOOOOOOOBS. would you show your balls? 

DEREK would you do a drunk history topless? 

LIZZY fuck off 

DEREK hahahah. I would show my balls 

LIZZY you wouldn’t 

DEREK do you have to know their my balls? 

LIZZY and even if you did…it’s different…there’s not really any comparison btw boy parts and girl parts yes. obviously 

DEREK what show is it for? 

LIZZY it is forrrrrrrrr….dexter 

DEREK girl parts are better than boy parts. no 

LIZZY boy parts are used for the funny 

DEREK he would cut them off. Dexter would murder my balls 

LIZZY i can’t think of another dramatic cable show 

DEREK I would of for THE WIRE 

LIZZY the wire wants no part of your testicles. get serious 

DEREK point taken 

LIZZY off subject…have you seen summer heights high? 

DEREK I haven’t. I hear it’s awesome 

LIZZY it is no joke man. Incredible 

DEREK really? 

LIZZY that guy is not messing around. Yeah really 

DEREK what’s his name? 

LIZZY highly, highly recommend it. chris lilley 

DEREK he plays all the characters right? 

LIZZY australian guy. yeah 

DEREK is it like big mommas house? 

LIZZY it’s not unlike big momma’s house 

DEREK let me ask one last question 

LIZZY this is a really hard-hitting interview derek. i am proud of you. 

DEREK thanks you. do people ever stop you on the street, cause they recognize your boobs? 

LIZZY every hour on the hour. My boobs are starting to get quite conceited…this business has really changed them 

DEREK For real. I’ve always wondered what happens when they are filming. What’s the talk between the two actors,,,the crew..can you tell me about that? 

LIZZY yeah. the crew on true blood is ridiculously cool, as is ryan the guy i had my scenes with. they close the set, so there are only like 10 people around. by the 2nd time i had to do it was all jokes and zero tension. the first time was my 2nd day of work though so that was kind of jarring. people are respectful…but the whole concept is ridiculously hilarious. 

DEREK that’s cool. I just wanna say this.  A lot of girls just show their boobs, cause assholes tell them to in movies..and they get parts.  But before I knew you I thought you were awesome, and even cooler now. I just don’t think u need to show your boobs. No offense to your boobs..i think they are awesome..but whatever 

LIZZY that was a very nice thing to say pal. you know who is the boldest of the bold? 

DEREK who? 

LIZZY julianne moore. Her vagina has a longer resume than i do! 

DEREK haha. Really? 

LIZZY god i love her. Yeah she’s naked a lot 

DEREKi loved her vagina in Lebowski. Great performance 

LIZZY totes 

DEREK where else? 

LIZZY and how about short cuts? a tour de force performance 

DEREK damn. I wanna know about the girl who showed it in “Revenge of the Nerds” Have you ever seen it? 

LIZZY yes of course 

DEREK okay, i think thats a great way to end it. 

LIZZY please god dont make me sound like an idiot