The new romantic comedy Valentine’s Day has everything – that is, except for characters and a plot. Overstuffed with star wattage and storytelling clichés but not one single idea of substance, Gary Marshall’s film only needed to be this February’s He’s Just Not That Into You, and it couldn’t even be that. Rather, it’s an updated ‘70s disaster movie where the central event is stupidity, and all of the actors in it are helpless to resist since one imagines their paychecks are at the bottom of that black, bleak hole.

Jessica Alba and Ashton Kutcher in Valentine's Day

Seriously, though, it truly does have more marquee names than three Ocean’s films: Ashton Kutcher, Jennifer Garner, Julia Roberts, Bradley Cooper, Anne Hathaway, Queen Latifah, Jamie Foxx, Topher Grace, Jessicas Biel and Alba, Taylors Lautner and Swift, and Shirley MacLaine are only some of the people who appear in its tapestry of romantic vignettes. Unfortunately, they have nothing to do but be themselves, or occasionally, cardboard cutouts of actual people with real problems. The plot, as it were follows each of these people through their February 14^th, as they find, lose, discover and recover relationships, thankfully resolving all loose ends by the time Marshall offers a cathartic gag reel over the closing credits.

To say that screenwriter Katherine Fugate knows or cares nothing about the way people actually behave is an understatement, and if she knows people who do actually behave this way, then she needs to meet some new people. But to dismiss an event rom-com like this as pure wish-fulfillment fluff is just cinematic negligence; seven years ago Richard Curtis set the standard for mainstream ensemble relationship movies with Love Actually, to which this film owes an enormous debt, if not a Writer’s Guild story credit, and there’s just no excuse for such lazy, uninspired, and uninspiring storytelling as what’s on display here.

Anne Hathaway and Topher Grace in Valentine's Day

Additionally, the inevitable success of Valentine’s Day by doofuses who think this constitutes entertainment, much less introspection on the subject of relationships, is what will no doubt vindicate the filmmakers. And, of course, beget more epic pieces of crap where all character details are communicated through dialogue rather than action, problems occur because the laws of nature bend themselves around reality to make things mess up, and resolutions fully solve any and all problems forever and ever. But then again, maybe that’s what some people want to see, or just to happen in their lives – idiotic drama paired with improbable solutions.

For my money, I’d prefer to see actual love. But in lieu of that, I’d gladly settle for Love Actually, rather than this tangled mess of movie stars in search of something to do.

Rating: 1.5 out of 5 stars 1 1/2 Stars out of 5

Lady Gaga performs onstage

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Musician Lady Gaga performs onstage at the 52nd Annual GRAMMY Awards held at Staples Center on January 31, 2010 in Los Angeles, California.The 52nd Annual GRAMMY Awards - ShowStaples CenterLos Angeles, CA United StatesJanuary 31, 2010Photo by Michael Caulfield/WireImage.com

The 52nd Annual Grammy Awards shoehorned a string of powerhouse performances into a three-and-a-half-hour awards free-for-all Sunday night. When it was all over, Beyoncé had won six Grammys—a record for a female—but country music darling Taylor Swift took home the crown jewel for album of the year.

Highlights? There were many. Michael Jackson was awarded a posthumous lifetime achievement award, and Celine Dion, Usher, Carrie Underwood, and Jennifer Hudson sang along with the King of Pop on a new song to a backdrop of some snazzy 3D imagery. Mike’s kids—Prince and Paris—were trotted out afterwards to read some awkwardly worded teleprompter text about how they will continue to spread his message of love.

One surprise had to be Kings of Leon winning record of the year over Beyoncé, Taylor Swift, Lady Gaga, and the Black Eyed Peas. Presenter Ringo Starr wasn’t expecting it, because he didn’t even know how to pronounce the band’s name. Speaking of the Black Eyed Peas, what was that ridiculous shart they made on stage during their performance? On a night when everything sparkled like rhinestones on Liberace’s codpiece, that tuneless robo-train wreck was—oh, what’s another word for “pathetic” that isn’t quite as upbeat?

Back to the highlights. Pink’s swinging/singing performance above the audience was graceful, inventive, and sounded great. The fact that her skin-tight outfit was barely there—especially after she was dipped in water and soaking wet—kept millions of eyes glued to the set clear well into the commercial break.

The powers that be at the Grammys of the 21st century have diversified the brand to account for every nook and cranny of recorded sound. Good for them. Long gone are the days when a band of hairy men and a flute (Jethro Tull) could blow away Metallica for Best Metal Performance, which famously happened in 1989. But the Best New Artist category still brings an oddball assortment of genres. Sizing up the countrified winners the Zac Brown Band with other nominees The Ting Tings, Keri Hilson, the Silversun Pickups, and MGMT is like comparing apples, spoons, shoes, and canoes.

I was just thankful I didn’t spend the night sitting behind Lady Gaga and her very inconsiderate “hat” that resembled foam insulation on acid.