As we quickly approach 2010, I see the future but remember the past. The past of sitting around the television with my family watching Who’s the Boss?, Wonder Years, and even Family Matters. We would watch them as a family, laugh together, and talk about them afterwards.
The Internet has taken over the TV. I don’t think a family squeezing next to each other hovering over a computer screen watching a YouTube video of a dog singing “November Rain” (even though that sounds kind of cool right now) gives the same feeling as watching a TV show or even a movie on a TV together.
In the past if we didn’t get home on time we would miss our show and there wasn’t any other way to see it; only by chance you would catch the re-run. We’ve gotten comfortable. The Internet helps out in a lot of ways, but for families it’s making it harder to share something together.

INT. The SANDERS Family home.
The year is 2015. Mr. and Mrs. Sanders and their 15 year old son (Charlie) are sitting around the dinner table.
Mr. Sanders is looking at his iPhone and laughing. Mrs. Sanders is looking at her laptop computer and giggling. Charlie is texting someone and laughing his ass off.
MRS. SANDERS
What are you LOL’ing about over there Charlie?
CHARLIE
A video my friend just sent me of him pooping in his pants while he’s falling down the stairs.
MRS. SANDERS
Can you forward that to me, please?
CHARLIE
Yeah, no probs. It’s called, “tripping and pooping”.
MR. SANDERS
Have you guys seen this dog singing “November Rain” on YouTube?
CHARLIE & MRS. SANDERS
Yeah….
MR. SANDERS
Charlie, I emailed you a link to the new digital short they did on SNL this weekend. You like those.
CHARLIE
I already saw it.
MRS. SANDERS
Where did you see it, sweetie?
CHARLIE
On my iPhone. Which reminds me, I got a new App on my iPhone called, “How to know your family better”.
MR. SANDERS
How’s it working out for you?
CHARLIE
I haven’t played it yet.

MRS. SANDERS
Okay, well, let us know how it goes. Sounds interesting.

Derek Waters runs into the Sanders house.
DEREK
Hey! Sanders Family!
MR. SANDERS
Who the hell are you?
DEREK
My name is Derek Waters, I’m from 2009.
MR. SANDERS
Oh…okay…what do you want?
DEREK
You don’t have to let this continue! Get out an old movie, or TV show, and watch it as a family, on the TV.
CHARLIE
Why should we watch TV, when we can watch it on the Internet?
DEREK
Cause you can sit around the TV together as a family…you can’t sit around computer screen together. I mean you can, but it’s not as comfortable.
MRS. SANDERS
The Internet is easier for us Derek.
DEREK
Yes Mrs. Sanders, the Internet makes things easier, but aren’t the great things in life the hard ones to get?
The Sanders family just stares at Derek.
DEREK
If things are always easy, what will make you feel like you’ve actually accomplished something?
CHARLIE
Kid from the recent past has a good point.
DEREK
Thank you, Charles.
CHARLIE
My name is Charlie.
DEREK
Oh, right. Sorry Charlie.
CHARLIE
Mom and Dad, can we watch THE WONDER YEARS together?
MR. & MRS. SANDERS
Yes please!
DEREK
Can I watch with you guys?
MR. SANDERS
No, but thanks for coming to the future and making us realize we need to do things together.
DEREK
No problem….It’s what I do. Have a nice night together.
The end.
I’m not saying that TV makes a family stronger. I am saying a family can have fun if they watch things together AS A FAMILY. Oh, and don’t tell the Sanders Family but the only way I got to time travel was ‘cause of the Internet. Thanks Internet!

Not to brag…

Our country is setting world records in the financial department, homeless department, and depression department. No matter what business you’re in right now, we are all being affected. But I believe the bigger problem right now is a website called Twitter. The problem is people are thinking other people care what they have to say, or what they are doing. Hey, I’m not saying some people don’t do some cool, interesting things that I do wanna hear about. But, I like to hear what they are doing, from them, in person, on the phone, or even an old fashioned text message. It makes me sad that people feel it’s important to let others know that they’re getting a haircut, or are running late to a Jimmy Buffet concert.

I don’t want anything more than to one day have a nice family. However, I don’t want my future kids to find it important to let others know what they’re doing. It would upset me for them to feel as if anyone cares. I would just hope he or she knows that it’s just a way to brag, and is just a way to make others feel important. With this in mind, I decided to launch a Twitter investigation.

INT. COFFEE SHOP IN LOS ANGELES
(RHYMES WITH “BAR BUCKS”)

Derek looks, and walks toward about eight different people on their laptops. Derek gets closer, and hears, “Leave me alone..What are you looking at? Stop looking at me.” Then, Derek tells them he’s doing an article, and wants to know what they’re doing. All of the sudden Derek has to pick which of the eight he wants to interview – he chooses Chris (who has Twitter up on his computer screen.)

Derek

Can you explain to my readers what Twitter is?

Chris

It’s a new website, to let people know what you are doing. Chris points out, and shows Derek the people he “FOLLOWS” and the people that are “FOLLOWERS” of Chris.

Derek’s inner voice

Wow.

Chris: 

“Follow” means, I follow these people, and see what they are doing. My “FOLLOWERS” are the people that are following me and want to see what I’m doing.

Derek

Awesome! Derek’s inner voice: This is really sad.

Derek

What does it say you’re doing now?

Chris (pointing to his Twitter page, reading)

“Getting my morning coffee on, and banging out my movie script!”

Derek

Oh you’re writing a movie? That’s awesome.

Chris

Trying to, just gotta come up with the beginning.

Cut to: EXT. COFFEE SHOP IN LOS ANGELES (RHYMES WITH COFFEE SHEEN AND BEE TEETH) Derek sees a GIRL (25), writing on her Twitter page. Derek sits next to her with his pad and paper.

Derek

I see you like Twitter. What are you doing? (Derek looks at her Twitter page, and he can see it says, “Just got out of the shower…gonna watch a movie in my PJ’S…I’m lonely.”)

Derek

That’s not what you’re doing.

Girl

No shit.

Derek

Why would you write that?

Girl (Whispers) 

Like anyone would care, that I’m at COFFEE “SHEEN AND BEE TEETH” thinking about my ex-boyfriend while some guy’s lying to me telling me he’s writing an article, trying to impress me.

Derek’s inner voice

Check please.

Derek

Check please. I’m not lying, or trying, but anyway, I’ll leave you alone now. Have fun in your PJ’S.

Derek walks to another table, where there’s a guy asleep, and sees the dude’s laptop is on. We see his status reads, “I’m passed out from last night at some coffee shop, I hope people can’t smell the alcohol on me.”

Derek’s inner voice

Finally an honest man. Might not be the best thing he’s doing right now, and most people may not care, but at least he’s telling the truth.

So what have we learned today? Don’t believe everything you read, and if you really want to know what someone is doing for sure…call them or send them an old fashioned text. It might help you have a better relationship with the ones you love. I know we are in a time of change, but let’s not lie in this time.

Derek opens his laptop and changes his status on Twitter to, “Just did an article about Twitter, Now people will care about me! Yay!”

I’m not one to advertise smoking, or littering. However I will advertise to not throw your cigarettes out the window in Los Angeles.

I’m not proud to say I’ve been a smoker for 10 years. I’m not proud to say I’ve thrown my fair share of cigs out the window. I should also say that my one fear of smoking (besides the C word) is starting a fire. If you know me you know that I make sure my cig is out wherever I put it. Alright enough of this
kind of talk.

ONE NIGHT IN JULY

I’m just driving home – it’s a beautiful cool summer night and I’m listening to Pearl Jam, and singing along. I just happen to be smoking too. (Yeah, I can do all this at once…deal with it.) All of sudden I get pulled over.

Officer

You know why I pulled you over?

Derek

No Officer, I don’t.

OFFICER

I pulled you over cause you threw that lit cigarette out the window.

DEREK

Oh, I’m sorry.

Long story short….he gave me a ticket for $381.00 plus eight hours of cleaning up trash. I LOVE LA!

ONE RAINY MORNING IN DECEMBER

Oh, and it was also cold. Rains in L.A. maybe five times a year. I thought it was a nice wink from God that this would be one of the five times it was gonna rain.

I show up for my community service work at 7 AM. I get assigned to clean up trash on Vermont and Melrose to work my way up to Vermont and Hollywood…for eight hours. It’s me and three others. These three others choose to not speak any English to me..only Spanish. I took Spanish for four long years in high school and I still couldn’t understand anything they were saying.

We start the day in a truck. All the words spoken are Spanish. No words are said to me in English or Spanish. I’m in a truck with the cleaning service shirt on, and no idea where we’re headed. The truck stops and I find myself following the three into a coffee shop. They get coffee, and find a both that only fits three people. I get my cup and sit by myself guessing what they are talking about, how long we are gonna be there, where we are going, and if it’s weird to go outside for a cigarette. Fifteeen minutes later I’m in the rain holding a huge dust pan and a METAL RAKE. The sound of a metal rake hitting the sidewalk is much like nails down a chalkboard to me. I’m not going to tell you the sick details of what I found and had to pick up, but I will say changing trash bags and poking holes so as to push the water out…Well, I’ve seen some things I never wanna see again. Don’t forget eight hours of this.

LUNCH TIME!

I’m at a Mexican restaurant sitting in a both that fit four! All four of us hanging out…still no word of English..except for one moment.

Worker #1

Did you wanna go to Jack In The Box?

DEREK

No, this is fine.

The rest of the lunch was Spanish words, soundtracked by Ranchero music in the background. I just sat and drank another cup of coffee and thought about how amazing and depressing this was. After lunch we went back to work and more thoughts in my head were filled with how I will never throw or allow someone to throw a cigarette out the window.

The reason for this article is that this law isn’t announced loudly enough. You need to know this law to keep the city clean, and to know that nobody should have to do so many depressing things and pay a fine for a law that they weren’t aware of. Just the other day my dad asked me….

Dad

Well, son did you learn your lesson.

DEREK

I don’t think I had a choice.

(Derek says as he’s driving putting his cigarette in a empty water bottle.)

I’m not a guy that usually writes about boobs. I’ve never tried to write an American Pie type story. I have a view point here, but this article still has to be called “boobs”. Let me explain. 

Boobs are great. When I was a kid they provided me food and drink. How many things can do that? Some guys call themselves… “boob guys”…. “ass guys”… “feet guys”…..Me? I just like women. The first time I ever saw a naked lady was when I was 8-years-old, and my brother showed me Revenge of the Nerds. It changed my life. 

Living in Los Angeles, working, and having friends in the entertainment industry, I get to see some interesting stuff. I love sitting at home, watching TV or movies, and all of a sudden someone I know comes on the screen. It helps me remember how cool and weird this job is. Being a kid and seeing someone on the tube was awesome. And the thought of seeing them in real life, let alone becoming friends with them, was insane. 

Just the other night, I was watching HBO’s new show True Blood. I’m not into vampires, but I do love HBO, and new shows. As I was watching it, I notice one of my good friends Lizzy Caplan  (Cloverfield, The Class, Mean Girls) in the show. My first thought was, “Man, I haven’t seen her in awhile, I should give her a call.” My second thought was, “Oh, she’s naked, and oh that’s what her boobs look like.” Not to get to personal, but I’d never seen her boobs before. My next thought was, “What do I say to her next time I see her? Will I look at her boobs, and think..’I’ve seen them on HBO?’” I decided to not figure it out in real life, I decided to do it the 2008 way– over Instant Message. So here is my interview slash conversation with the beautiful and amazing Lizzy Caplan. 

DEREK what do you say to someone who was on TV and saw their boobs? 

what’s the weirdest thing people have said to you? 

LIZZY people have been funny 

DEREK  i wanna hear. 

LIZZY my roommates and i watched it together the first time 

they tried to talk about the acting…then just started saying nonsense about the boobs. 

DEREK well, I’m just gonna say, I thought you were great 

LIZZY well thanks buddy brain. Do you dig the show? 

DEREK not really, but I don’t like Vampire shit. 

LIZZY i kinda do. But it’s not for everybody. yeah i love vampire shit. 

DEREK no, just your boobs 

LIZZY ha. yeah i know it makes everybody uncomfy 

DEREK it was like “Signed Sealed and Delivered” but, naked (reference to a short film we made, that you should check it out on the internet ) 

LIZZY haaaa. 

DEREK is it weird that I’ve seen your boobs to you? 

LIZZY Yes. I’m only weirded out that you and my dad have seen my boobs…everybody else is no problem 

DEREK hahah 

LIZZY but my dad hasn’t actually seen them, so it’s down to just you 

DEREK how did you tell him about it? 

LIZZY I told him about it when I got the part. He’s a supportive fella, so he didn’t freak out or anything. But we decided early on he wouldn’t be watching. 

DEREK Did you ever get offered to show your boobies before, and you didn’t do it, cause you didn’t like the show, movie, or comic strip? 

LIZZY yes sir. I have been asked before but it always seemed gratuitous. one time i just didn’t trust the director to shoot around it as promised…so I wore these pasties…and then when I saw the film (which was in a full theater) there’s totally side boob action but I have pasties on so it’s like some disturbing, nipple less, alien body part. 

DEREK do you still talk to Spielberg? 

LIZZY ha. yes 3 times a day. 

DEREK I wanna know about the first time it aired. Who called u first? 

LIZZY that’s a good question. I don’t remember. i believe a male friend. 

DEREK fair enough…and what did they say? You talked to them before about it? 

LIZZY yes i talked to everybody beforehand 

DEREK not me! 

LIZZY really? 

DEREK I didn’t know 

LIZZY oh yeesh. I talked to ALMOST everybody so it wouldn’t be a shocker 

DEREK I was gonna text you…TRUE BOOBS. 

LIZZY you should have…i have talked enough about my boobs in the last few weeks to last a lifetime. And that would have been one of the less potentially offensive comments 

DEREK what made you want to show ur boobies for True Blood? 

LIZZY I’ve never been opposed to doing it, if the right job came along. the scene with the swimming in the trees and then cutting back to the gross, dirty basement was the only one described to me before signing on…and it sounded twisted and rad. plus Alan ball knows how to make the ladies look lovely. 

DEREK You’re an amazing actress, and I love everything you do!  I just didn’t expect to see your boobs..deal with it 

LIZZY im trying. but then somebody is going to send me this interview and im going to kick myself for ranting about my GODDDDDAMNNNNN BOOOOOOOBS. would you show your balls? 

DEREK would you do a drunk history topless? 

LIZZY fuck off 

DEREK hahahah. I would show my balls 

LIZZY you wouldn’t 

DEREK do you have to know their my balls? 

LIZZY and even if you did…it’s different…there’s not really any comparison btw boy parts and girl parts yes. obviously 

DEREK what show is it for? 

LIZZY it is forrrrrrrrr….dexter 

DEREK girl parts are better than boy parts. no 

LIZZY boy parts are used for the funny 

DEREK he would cut them off. Dexter would murder my balls 

LIZZY i can’t think of another dramatic cable show 

DEREK I would of for THE WIRE 

LIZZY the wire wants no part of your testicles. get serious 

DEREK point taken 

LIZZY off subject…have you seen summer heights high? 

DEREK I haven’t. I hear it’s awesome 

LIZZY it is no joke man. Incredible 

DEREK really? 

LIZZY that guy is not messing around. Yeah really 

DEREK what’s his name? 

LIZZY highly, highly recommend it. chris lilley 

DEREK he plays all the characters right? 

LIZZY australian guy. yeah 

DEREK is it like big mommas house? 

LIZZY it’s not unlike big momma’s house 

DEREK let me ask one last question 

LIZZY this is a really hard-hitting interview derek. i am proud of you. 

DEREK thanks you. do people ever stop you on the street, cause they recognize your boobs? 

LIZZY every hour on the hour. My boobs are starting to get quite conceited…this business has really changed them 

DEREK For real. I’ve always wondered what happens when they are filming. What’s the talk between the two actors,,,the crew..can you tell me about that? 

LIZZY yeah. the crew on true blood is ridiculously cool, as is ryan the guy i had my scenes with. they close the set, so there are only like 10 people around. by the 2nd time i had to do it was all jokes and zero tension. the first time was my 2nd day of work though so that was kind of jarring. people are respectful…but the whole concept is ridiculously hilarious. 

DEREK that’s cool. I just wanna say this.  A lot of girls just show their boobs, cause assholes tell them to in movies..and they get parts.  But before I knew you I thought you were awesome, and even cooler now. I just don’t think u need to show your boobs. No offense to your boobs..i think they are awesome..but whatever 

LIZZY that was a very nice thing to say pal. you know who is the boldest of the bold? 

DEREK who? 

LIZZY julianne moore. Her vagina has a longer resume than i do! 

DEREK haha. Really? 

LIZZY god i love her. Yeah she’s naked a lot 

DEREKi loved her vagina in Lebowski. Great performance 

LIZZY totes 

DEREK where else? 

LIZZY and how about short cuts? a tour de force performance 

DEREK damn. I wanna know about the girl who showed it in “Revenge of the Nerds” Have you ever seen it? 

LIZZY yes of course 

DEREK okay, i think thats a great way to end it. 

LIZZY please god dont make me sound like an idiot 

As I set up my clipboard/laptop, I see my first non-registered looking voter – a young lady who clearly isn’t from around here. She approaches me wearing a shirt that says,”I’m clearly not from here.” I ask her:

DEREK

Are you registered to vote?

GIRL

No.

DEREK

Would you like me to register you?

GIRL

Why should I?

DEREK

Well, this election is one of the most important elections ever and it would be very sad if you didn’t get a say on what you believe in.

GIRL

No, I mean…why should I register through you?

DEREK

Well, cause I’m a nice guy just trying to help you, and I have my laptop here, so it won’t take more than five minutes.

GIRL

Yeah, but you’re not famous.

DEREK

True…but why does that matter?

GIRL

Cause I need someone famous to tell me I should vote.

DEREK

Really?

GIRL

Well, yeah, I mean, they do movies and get paid to show their faces, I listen to what they say. Oh my gosh, is that George Lopez over there?

(GIRL runs away)

DEREK

Maybe?

(An older gentleman [DUDE] approaches wearing a “I love voting” shirt)

DEREK (CONT’D)

Excuse me…Are you registered to vote?

DUDE

No. Why?

DEREK

Well, on November 4th we have a big election and you can voice your opinion.

DUDE

Oh! My shirt! I just wear this shirt so people think I’m smart. Last election I found some “I voted” stickers, put them on me, and I made out with political chicks all night. I don’t care who wins man, I just hate the system and always will and will always buy records and say I wish there was world peace, and I can’t wait for a new president. I gotta go dude. I’m gonna be late for this Elliot Smith memorial, I have to go home and listen to his records so I know what he sounded like. Lates.

DEREK

Bye.

(NEW GUY walks toward me)

NEW GUY

Hey were you in that movie, The Brothers Solomon?

DEREK

Yeah. I mean, I had a very small part, but…

NEW GUY

Man. A guy in a movie getting people to vote..this is cool. Please don’t tell anyone this but I wasn’t going to vote, but if you want me to register I will, cause you were in a movie. I really wanna be like people in the movies. They’re really smart and they know what they’re talking about.

DEREK

Really?

As I register this nice man, I’m thinking to myself that I can’t believe I got someone to register just cause I played a video store clerk in a movie. Just imagine what someone really famous could do if they said you should vote. If any of you are famous I hope you told people to vote – and if you’re not famous I hope you listened to those famous people. All they’ve ever wanted is for you to vote, then see their movies.